Mistreatment comes up as a topic in my professional life frequently, as you might imagine. But it rarely comes up under that exact name.
Typically, people might describe feelings they have after interacting with certain people – as individuals or as a group. They might describe someone behaving in a way they find hurtful or infuriating. They often talk about behaviors that continue after they have asked, and sometimes begged, for them to stop. They generally describe being dismissed or their wishes ignored.
I tread lightly when suggesting such behaviors are – at best – inappropriate. I tread even more lightly when I say they are dysfunctional. Proceeding with caution is a must because it I flat-out call it what it is, I know I would be rebuffed, my suggestion refuted outright.
Unfortunately, we’ve gotten accustomed to being treated badly by people we call friends, work colleagues, church members and, worst of all, family.
It’s ok to call it what it is, regardless of the source.
It is mistreatment. We also could elaborate by using terms such as disrespect, harm, boundary violations, soul wounds, and, yes, even abuse.
And make no mistake, when we have asked for such behavior to stop and it hasn’t, it is on us to protect ourselves and our children.
Day-in and day-out, I hear horror stories about actions and words employed by people who are supposed to love and care for, and, at the very least, respect us.
Yes, we all have bad days. We all make errors in judgment and speech. We can own those and seek forgiveness and reconciliation.
But when patterns are established, it doesn’t mean that we just excuse them. To do so is to open ourselves up for real damage and pain, even psychological and physical symptoms, and distress.
We should call them what they are: established patterns of unacceptable behavior. Simply: mistreatment
Moreover, once we discern such patterns of behavior, additional steps are required. On our part. We can’t change anyone else.
We teach people how they can treat us. We teach people what we will tolerate, condone, even excuse away.
Mistreatment should mean that those who harm us, once or routinely, have limited or no access to us. Period.
I hear, the but, but, buts… already.
But it’s my mom. But it’s my brother. But it’s my boss. But it’s the preacher’s wife. Ad infinitum.
Title and position don’t excuse mistreatment. We must understand what mistreatment is and what it feels like so we can more readily identify it when it happens. Further, we need to consider what protections to put in place to keep the mistreatment from continuing unabated.
If we allow mistreatment to continue without saying anything, we are silently giving our permission. (And, no, this does not apply to children who may not know what to do or how to get help. That’s the responsibility of adults.)
With intentionality, we decide how we’re going to allow ourselves to be treated. And what to do about it when we are.
No is a complete sentence. It’s ok to refuse an invitation. It’s ok to not respond to a text. It’s ok to say, “If you continue to do X, then I’m not going to continue to call, text, visit, etc.”
Bottom line, we can choose to not continue to put ourselves in harm’s way.
Yes, I know it is complicated. And just that simple.
