I like to encourage my Women of Grace to consider their own thinking and behavior, noticing what they do and say and how they can treat themselves better in ways that don’t cost us anything.

We’ve been sold, literally, a bill of goods when it comes to consumerism and emotional regulation. We’ve been taught by retailers and influencers like The Real Housewives, the Kardashians and Tik Tok that all it takes to feel better is a $5,000 Chanel purse, $900 Gucci belt, or other designer haul. This isn’t sustainable and doesn’t ever really make us feel better. Most of us are priced out of this designer form of self-soothing and turn instead to, say, an inexpensive, but costly in other ways, treat, like ice cream, one of my favs.

I like to describe therapy like this: tiny pebbles being dropped in a pond, where infinitesimal ripples go out, subtlety, almost imperceptibly changing the landscapes they touch.

Let’s drop a pebble.

Here’s a suggestion and, no, I’m not going to ask you to forego retail therapy. At least not cold turkey. It’d be great to consider your feelings and what you are trying to remedy with this purchase or that. Or whom you are trying to impress or even conquer. I think it is fascinating that young women now, when describing the pinnacle of dress and primping and grooming, use the verb “slay.”

For the moment, I’d just like you to start paying attention to how much you apologize, to whom and for what. I notice I do it too much. I notice other women doing it too much also. I do it even when I know I shouldn’t. It is deeply ingrained in my behavior and existence.

I even notice some people frame conversations in a certain way because they anticipate your apology. For instance, “We haven’t talked in so long. Where have you been?” My blurted response would typically be something like, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been so busy. Blah blah blah.”

Now, I try just to be silent. I find myself thinking, “Hmmmm, that person hasn’t reached out to me either. Where have they been? Are they apologizing?” Typically, they’re not.

Remember: we teach people how they can treat us. And if we’re always being put in a position of being one-down, or owing an apology, that’s an interesting dynamic. I see control, dominance, and superiority in it. It doesn’t feel good.

We seem to be apologizing for our very existence. I know I need to stop. How about you?

You’ll hear people say over-apologizing is a trauma response. And it is. But even those of us who haven’t experienced trauma, apologize. (As I write this, I question are there really any of us who haven’t had ANY trauma?!) Over and over. Even when we haven’t done anything wrong. By omission or commission.

Others say apologizing is a symptom of patriarchy and submissiveness. That sounds reasonable too.

It’s nuanced, for sure. The roots of it don’t matter really. It’s the actions that count.

I’m not asking you to stop apologizing. Yet.

I just want you to notice it. Also, notice if you’ve really done something wrong to actually elicit an apology. Take your time with your responses. Perhaps our apologies are really a form of people-pleasing that makes us feel kind and accountable, seeking healing and reconciliation with others. (Watch what you tell yourself!)

Maybe it’s also a sign that we feel guilty. Or not good enough. Or that we feel we bear the weight and responsibility of every relationship. We can survive on these crumbs but don’t wonder why you’re always starving.

A genuine apology – and I find them to be in short supply – looks like this: When you’ve done something to harm another or been inconsiderate or irresponsible in word or deed, you own your misdeed, say you are sorry and sincerely apologize mentioning what you have done and the impact, and then you ask for forgiveness. It’s an effort and has meaning. Ideally, the misdeed is not repeated. (If it is, is the apology genuine?)

Relationships take the investment of at least two people, looking loosely like a tennis match, with each party contributing and reaching out and giving, nearly in equal portions, most of the time.

I would venture a guess that we’ve all done something in each of our relationships that deserves a sincere apology. Are you the only one giving them? That speaks volumes too.

Give yourself at least as much grace as you so generously heap on others. Please.